We asked women why they aren’t having as many kids. Turns out, it’s complicated
Lately, you might be hearing more people talk about why people aren’t having enough kids. From economists to politicians and entrepreneurs, it’s become a more pressing issue for people around the globe.
According to Statistics Canada, in 2023 there were 1.26 children born in Canada per woman. Alongside South Korea, Spain, Italy and Japan, Canada falls into a group of countries with the “lowest low” birth rates — all below 1.3 children per woman. In comparison, the rate in the United States in 2023 was 1.62.
Is this a problem? Canadians are divided. According to an Angus Reid poll, Canadians are equally likely to see the low birth rate is and isn’t a crisis.
That same poll finds that half of those who want to have kids have delayed longer than they wanted — financial security and waiting for the right partner are among the top reasons for waiting. However, affordability and accessibility of finding child care and housing were cited for nearly a third of respondents.
I couldn’t imagine how other parents with more children survive.– Sheena Valdez
Among those who have decided to not have children, two-thirds say they simply don’t want them.
But polls and data can’t always capture the complexity of individual decision making. To take falling birth rates beyond the numbers, CBC spoke with several women about what went into their choices..
Ladies without little ones
If you’ve ever been at a party surrounded by parents and felt like the odd one out, you’re not alone.
Andrea Williams runs Ladies Without Little Ones, a social group on Facebook dedicated to connecting child-free women.
She said parenthood is an opportunity for meeting new people and creating adult friendships — something those without children can miss out on.
“This group kind of is almost like the way a dating app would work, you’re introduced to people you wouldn’t normally be introduced to and hopefully you make a connection from there,” Williams said.
While there was a time when Williams wanted kids, 15 child-free years later, she has no regrets.
In her late 20s, suddenly it seemed like half of her friends were settling down and having kids. Her partner at the time challenged her on if it was the right choice for them. This started a two-year period of going back and forth on the idea.
“And at first it was unfathomable not to have children. But the more I thought about it, I actually couldn’t come up with a reason why I wanted them other than I just thought that’s what I was supposed to do.
“There was a lot of pressure, and that need to fit in with what everyone else was doing.”
At the time Williams was also dealing with undiagnosed medical conditions that left her with extreme fatigue.
“When I thought about the energy and the effort that it would take to be a parent, I actually didn’t think I had it in me.”
Today, Williams is the healthiest she’s ever been mentally and physically. She didn’t think she would have gotten to that point if she was also taking care of little ones.
Canada’s birth rate is among the lowest low. Why aren’t people having as many children? CBC sat down with three women to talk about their decision.
Breaking the news to people was not easy. Williams said being child-free by choice and vocalizing it was not commonplace.
“A lot of people thought it was selfish and told me that it was selfish,” Williams said.
“And at first it felt like an insult. But when I kind of reframed it, I thought, you know what? This is selfish, but not the way they think it is. I am committed to healing and giving myself the life that I deserve. And if that’s selfish then that’s OK.”
Williams said today, she is starting to see those norms disrupted.
“We are kind of waking up to just how hard it is to be a parent. It’s very hard, it’s time-consuming, it’s very expensive and just the energy required to parent — it’s a lot. And I think people are being more deliberate with their choices.”
“If you’re not 100 per cent sure … it doesn’t seem like something to roll the dice on. It’s just too important.”
Williams says she makes a great auntie and really enjoys that role.
Besides not being as current on kids TV shows or the latest toy trends, there haven’t been many disadvantages to her choice.
“I get to kind of dabble in parenting here and there. But ultimately the choice not to have children was the best choice I ever made.”
One and done
Falling birth rates aren’t just driven by people choosing to not have kids — but also having fewer of them. More and more people are choosing to be one-and-done.
Sheena Valdez had her son when she was 28 in the Philippines. Valdez has polycystic ovary syndrome, which pressured her to have a baby right away.
She said she was open to having another, but when the family made the decision to migrate to Canada, their priorities changed.
“It’s really hard to keep up with things — like everything now is expensive, especially when we came here to Canada.
“We really started from scratch … life is not easy to begin with.”
The family originally settled in New Brunswick, but relocated to St. Albert, Alta., a few months ago. Valdez hasn’t been able to find a job yet in her industry.
“The job market is tough right now. It’s very tough, competitive, and I couldn’t imagine how other parents with more children survive.”
In the Philippines, it’s easier to afford a nanny. Valdez said while here in Canada child care is subsidized, it’s still expensive.
She said ultimately she and her husband decided they were happy as a family of three — where they could focus on their son.
While finances played a role, it also came down to her own well-being. Looking back, she thinks she had postpartum depression.
“Even if you research beforehand … when the baby’s here, I was like, ‘Oh my gosh, what am I gonna do?’ — it would really affect your mental health.
“I really couldn’t imagine another human being that I would raise again from baby.”
But with just one, Valdez said she looks forward to the next chapter and travelling with her husband.
“In a few years time my son will move out and it’s just me and my husband. So we’re gonna enjoy my freedom.”
Valdez said being a parent is harder today partly because of changes in parenting styles. Growing up, she got tough love. She takes a more gentle approach with her son, but it doesn’t always feel natural.
“I guess I’m not really gentle,” she said with a laugh, adding that it seems to come more naturally to her husband.
“I think being a gentle parent is harder than being a tough parent because you’re controlling your emotion.”
Besides parenting style, Valdez said Filipino culture also just emphasizes big families, which can lead to pressure.
“There’s a pressure for me. But then I always tell my mom, especially my mom, I’m OK with my son — we’re happy.”
She even made a point of asking her son if he wishes he had a sibling — he said thanks, but no thanks.
“He doesn’t want to have any siblings because he has cousins. And I think he realized how much of a handful it is to have another small kid around.
“It’s reassuring hearing it from my son that he’s happy, even if he’s just an only child.”
On the fence
While Alyssa Goguen’s friends were spending their early 20s going out and growing up themselves, she was spending $60 a week on baby formula.
Goguen is 23 with a three-year-old son. While her first child wasn’t planned, she’s now on the fence about having a second.
While her boyfriend stayed in the picture and is a great dad, Goguen said she felt like she lacked a community.
“It was really hard to kind of navigate all by myself because I’m so young.”
Goguen’s parents had her when they were 20 and are now in separate relationships with young kids of their own.
“I’m kind of in the same stage of life as my parents right now. So they don’t have that grandparent relationship with my kids, because they’ve got their own kids to worry about.”
The dilemma for her is that she wants to give her son a sibling — and not have too large of an age gap, but also isn’t sure she can handle another.
“I should have a kid for myself, not for my son … it’s just kind of a weird situation.
“If I had another kid I don’t know where the heck I would put all the toys. It would be like a disaster area in here. I would have to buy a bigger house — but I can’t do that because I don’t have any money.”
Goguen said having a parent stay home is simply out of reach for most people now. And with both parents working, and cooking and cleaning, parenthood is all-consuming.
“It’s too much to handle for one family to do everything all at once now.”
It might be more manageable, she said, if it weren’t for the lack of support and realities of modern life — which can be major roadblocks to having a larger family.
“Nobody really talks to each other anymore — like the neighbours and stuff … everybody’s more distant now.
“So I feel like if you do have more kids, you just have to do it by yourself.”
Goguen said she doesn’t think there’s anything governments can do to help incentivize people having more kids. Instead, what’s needed is societal change.
“With social media and everything, we’re just not as close or bonded. We don’t go out as much anymore and we’re not a big community.”
Beyond being isolating, she said social media can also just be a platform for judgment.
“I think it definitely makes you feel bad about yourself at times.
“There’s all this different parenting advice, and then you don’t really know where to start or where to go or what’s right or what’s wrong. And so people are constantly judging each other. And I think that’s an issue.”
Goguen said she sees among her circle that people are less interested in kids because they have more options to explore other things.
“I think that a lot of women are realizing now, ‘I’m not just here to make babies.’
“They want to have more ideas and do things for themselves. And if that means not having kids, that means not having kids.”
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